Das Sekret Tagebuch Michael Schumachers

(The Secret Diary of Michael Schumacher)

   Ok, so I pinched Planet-F1's funny shit and put it up here.  Well then, may I ask Planet-F1 why they removed this diary from their website if they wanted people to read it?  So tough luck, losers, at least I have the generosity to keep it.  No no just kidding, whoever wrote these diaries is an absolute legend.  I love Planet-F1.  Really.  I never knew broken German-English could be so much fun.

   For F1 novices, I have made a guidebook to this diary.

Well, my Planet-F1 tifosis, I think perhaps you are already knowing the reason for my not winning  the US Grand Prix. After my last confession with you (Secret Diary Part Neun) it is very plain. What is the most surprising is that nobody has asked me about this, almost not believing that I am regularly giving you my inside line.

There has been so much questioning after Indianapolis. Did you know where is the finishing line? Did you let Rubens through? Was it a mistake? Was it a favour? Was your car stucked in gear? Were you really trying to make the first ever dead heat?

Naturally, it was not a mistake. I am not blowing my own trombone here, but I think you have known me many times enough to know that this is not a mistake I could be making.

The reason…?

I got a phone call from Corinna when we are having the race debrief and she said that Frau Blucher sends her best wishes and that it was very nice of me not to win. Yes, that is the truth of it. I did it for Frau Blucher.

But it is difficult to stand up – well, sit down and shift uneasily from bottom cheek to bottom cheek – and say that you did not win the American Grand Prix because your moany, 74-year-old Swiss cleaning lady finds it difficult lifting any more heavy trophies, complains endlessly about arthritis in her fingers and that we won’t be able to replace her till she retires in February 2003.

This is obviously something I am not even telling Jean or Ross yet. The cat is still in my bag.

I will have to admit I was becoming slightly envious when I saw Juan-Pablo on the David Letterman Show before the US Grand Prix. He is a big fan of Formula 1 and clearly sees Juan as a starring act. Envy is not a good emotion to have in your harbour, but Juan-Pablo – honestly - was not a great guest for the show. His idea of being funny is saying something stupid and then moving his eyebrows up and down very quickly. That does not even make it into Chapter 1 of  ‘How To Make Yourself Extra Funny’ books.

If the researchers working for Letterman had done their work properly they would have realized that I am 70% funnier in 2002 than I have ever been.

Let me example you:
David: Great to see you Michael
Michael: Hello David, do you know you look like Otto my dentist?

I am falling creased on the floor when I am thinking up this crazy line and it is a great pity there is no chance to administer my punchline to the American public. Paolo Martinelli has entered my motorhome at this moment and for a few seconds he thought he would have to ring Luca Badoer and say, “get your helmet ready”.

It is also creating bad thoughts within me that Letterman found a nickname for Juan-Pablo so easily – they called him “Zorro”, like the buckswashling hero from the movies.
I am having real difficulty obtaining a suitable nickname that sits contentedly upon my shoulders. Sabine says to me, “You are Schumi, you have a nickname already.” Yes, yes, she is right, I know, but Ralf is a Schumi also. Yet Nigel Mansell is ‘The Lion’, Alain Prost is ‘The Professor’, Juan is ‘Zorro’ and I am ‘The Bootlet’. 

Let me float this one over you – ‘The Scarlet Fox’? Good/bad? I leave it for mulling and will return soon.

Great news about my old engineer Steve Matchett. I was fondling though the latest issue of F1 Racing magazine – which is worth 6 euros just to read the wise commentary of Peter Windsor. “I love seeing perfection in motion,” writes Peter this month “and never get tired of watching Michael win another one”. He is a truly inspired journalist (though I have always wondered what his exact relationship is to Edward Windsor).
A distraction, though. I was reading the excellent magazine – when I spied Steve’s name. He is now occupying the role of the magazine’s technical editor. That is an amazing transformation! One week he is on Speed (no doubt in a gutter somewhere) and the next he is pulling his life together to write for the best F1 magazine in England. He is truly a lesson to us all.

I have to say Japan is a strange country and the people also, are strange. Of course at the same time they are very nice. And I am honestly not saying this simply because of our longtime partnership with Bridgestone who are the biggest bunch of great guys you could wish to meet in a pit garage.

When I won my fifth (World Driver’s) title at Magny Cours, it was the Bridgestone tyre crew who carried me on top of their heads up and down the paddock. I received a greet feeling for them to do this and as I think I wrote before – I was touched all over.

No, it is ordinary Japanese people in the street who can give you a strange and interesting experience. Before the race Sabine let me off my “Hello, how are you?” duties for an hour to go shopping in Tokyo. As normal I was wearing my 5 World Championships cap with the five gold stars.
Two Japanese schoolgirls stopped in front of me. Looked at me. Pointed at my cap and giggled.
They obviously recognized me as Schumacher-san – very fast F1 pilot.
“Look,” said one pointing at the cap, “boss of McDonalds!”

I also have to tell you that Takuma is a great additional to the Grand Prix Drivers Association. He has been giving us several laughs with some of the funny things he is saying in English this year. After the race is finished at Suzuka he said, “fans are exciting so much, all race.” I’m sure he is not intending to sound quite so comic, but obviously a fun person to have in any race.

It is better to listen to him than to Kimi Raikkonen. Quite honestly at press conferences I feel like I am doing a community visit to an institute for people with head problems when I am listening to him speak. What is it with this guy? He has finished third in a race and he is sounding like someone who has been locked in a log cabin with a moose all winter.

I have witnessed his girlfriend and she is a very gorgeous. This does not make sense. What does she see in a guy who makes even Ron Dennis sound like the world’s most interesting man. He is not even funny. And certainly not 70% funnier in 2002 .

As you might have seen, the Japanese Grand Prix was another good Scuderia race, even though our beloved big guy, Ross The Boss, was not with us to share our ultimate season triumph. Nine 1-2 finishes, 15 wins, 12 wins for me (11 of them official), more points than all the rest of the grid assembled in one place. And another fine trophy for Frau Blucher to dust in the trophy room!

 - since the last race I have told her we absolutely cannot go down that road of not winning races. She leaves us in February and there are no races till then. Sure I will win various sportsman of the year awards, man of the year awards, driver of the year awards from magazines such as Autosport and F1 Racing, and of course the FIA awards in Paris, but I can hardly be expected to slow down and let someone else win them! She will have to cart her moaning old Swiss bones round the trophy room and do some work. It is not as though we are not paying her money for this.

Ross was at home in England with his continuing bad back, and so we are providing to him a video of what we are doing all the time so he can play Big Brothers. There was a camera attached in our garage that we can point and show him things.

After the race, everyone in the team is getting excited and celebrating like crazy. To a point where some of the more excited members of the team are showing the moon to Ross down the video camera link! I guess it is not so nice to see a number of hairy bottoms down a video camera. Even if they are Scuderia Marlboro Ferrari bottoms. However even in these matters Ross is always 100% correct.  The one with all the bite marks he correctly guessed as Jean Todt’s.

To anyone who has not been on the Planet-F1 this week, the F1 Committee have finally reached their decision making. I expect you will be wanting to know how I am reacting to all the changes announced by Max and Bernie. And I will tell you my verdicts on them if you will stay patiently.

First, a few snippings of news from around my home life that will interest. We sent Frau Blucher out into the garden to recover Gunther the tortoise (which Mika Hakkinen gave to me) for hibernation purposes. She was gone all afternoon and Corinna suddenly realized she had not received her usual quantity of moans at 4.35pm. Which on this occasion was worrying.

She was just about to make a search/rescue bid for the old fossil when, Bang! The back door slams shut and in comes Frau Blucher panting like a dog in a hot car. She has lost her glasses and has finally returned to the house with a large stone in the shape of a tortoise. Corinna said she had not laughed as much since Ralf tried to sing a version of Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive at the Schumacher family karaoke night in 1996.
 
Gunther, naturally, has his own sponsorship deal with  'Deutsche Vermögensberatung' and has a nice logo painted across his shell for identification. When you pick the little fellow up and hold him at eye level, you immediately notice the similarity between him and Niki Lauda.

After being called into action in my role as supremo of the Grand Prix Drivers Association in Suzuka I felt it maybe time to spread some influencing. To this result I e.mailed Kimi Raikkonen to see if he would be at the FIA awards night in Paris and would he like to meet for a drink before the event? I also mentioned to him that it would not be such a formal chat and why not bring his partner, Jenny, as I promised not to talk ‘shops’ all night.

One thing that I have become furious about is comments by one Mr Ecclestone who we all know. I am reading comments in the paper that is coming straight from his mouth. “If Montezemolo paid Schumacher a reasonable salary he’d have $40 million more a year.” That is pretty funny from a man who makes more money in a year than ALL the drivers and team bosses put together in a hat

Quite obviously he is of the opinion that I am ruining ‘the show’ and would like me to retire so that he could earn more money. (What does he do with all these piles of money. He is certainly not spending it on haircuts. He earns so much money yet he is still cutting his own hair!) One moment he wants to help Ferrari win the World Championship, “instead of those dull accountants in Woking” he told me one time. And to this result he is getting Charlie to ban all of McLaren’s best gizmos. Now when McLaren are stranded on their backs with their legs waving in the air, like a beetle that is rolled over on a concrete path, he wants to stop me winning.

Still, now to the bit you have been waiting for, or skipping your eyes down the page. What is my thoughts on the new regulations regarding team orders, qualifying and points?

I am very very annoyed. In fact I am about as angry as I was on that famous day at Spa when I wanted to bash David Coulthard’s jaw into a shape that did not remind me of the latest Star Trek movie. How are they daring to make such stupid ‘improvements’? It is not appropriate.

I was expecting a rather good result to the meeting with some nice changes. I was excited so much at swapping teams in 2003. One race at Jaguar, one race at Renault, one race at… “Ouch, that cockpit’s tight, it must be Sauber’s chassis for midgets”, one race at Minardi. It was going to be a fun season. And better for me, (than Ralf), because I am the one in the family with the lean bottom.

Also, one of my strong points – I was reading on an English website – is that I am “quickly out of a box.”  And by this I am interpreting I can jump into a car and make it go quickly, should I care to drive it into a box and out the other side. So this is a pleasure I will not be enjoying in my final season of F1. To share my great talent amongst all the teams of the grid would have been a nice farewell. Sure, my heart is always in the Ferrari, and always with my tifosis, but I am naturally a great giver of joy to people and next year I cannot be spreading it as far as I wish it to have been spread.

The other area of great unhappiness is that the F1 decision constructors have boarded up my living room. Spa is gone. The scene of all my tremendous happinesses is to be axed from the 2003 grand prix list. Ralf does not care. I cannot repeat to you how he described my Spa but it is enough to say, ‘a place in the ground where the toilets are positioned’. I hate to describe my brother this way but sometimes I think he is a complete palestine.

Hello my tifosis! I am feeling, as my friend Nigel Stepney is always telling, in a good cracking mood.
"Why?" I can hear you questioning. Simple.
Lieblings Doughnut and I have just bought some more land near our beautiful home at Vufflens le Chateau in Switzerland and now our dream of becoming a farm is closer.

It will be so nice to surround ourselves with so many horses and we will be able to plan for our future together, doing things that are natural and farm-like. And though I would not tell anyone this fact out in the open, it is one big spinning finger to our local planners who gave me a blockage before. They can stick their cuckoo as far up the clock as it will go, because now I have what I want.

The new property is close to Lac Leman so maybe, in the future I will buy a boat and go fishing. What a simple life that would be - a simple farmer and fisherman who is also a six times World Champion.

I spoke to Nigel Mansell at Spa and it seems to me all he ever does these days is play golf and wear a hat that says Sunseeker. I was told by Ross that this is a naturist club in Spain which he is helping promoting but I do not wish to contemplate too often the thought of a naked Nigel Mansell. Freikorperkultur (FKK) is part of the German way of life... and that is why I have moved to Switzerland.

With all the excitement of what we will do with our new estate we have the perfect excuse not to go and visit Ralf in Salzburg this Christmas. Last year it was the whole Schumacher family, Rolf, Mutti etc at Vufflens and I can tell you, it was really a big strain having 'the crow' (as I used to call her but no longer) in the lounge. Though I have vowed to get along better with the woman, there is something about her that grazes me.

Corinna puts it down to unconscious jealousy, that I am no longer the biggest influence in little Ralfy's life and that now she is, but I do not think this is correct.
I think, honestly, that if he had married the girlfriend of - taking someone completely at random, the girlfriend of Kimi Raikkonen - there would have been little difficulty. She is a sweet girl with a nice nature and not a conniving, manipulative bitch that makes him so sour-faced. Not that I am accusing Cora of that because I am not. I am just letting my thoughts explore situations.
I hope I am getting that clear to you now.

Lucky for Willi that I was in such a good mood when I am hearing what he has told to Sport Bild. Basically he is saying that Ralf can be a World Champion if Williams stop giving all the favours to Juan-Pablo. It is totally wrong and not appropriate for him to say this. Obviously  everyone is expecting me to agree with him and say yes, Ralf is great and Juan is better driving in NASCAR.
But no, I do not believe this. 
Okay, Juan and I did not get on so well at first, but now we have dinnered together and things are fine between us. I am also a good friend of Frank. Frank knows an exceptional amount of knowledge about F1 and is a person for whom I have tremendous feelings and respect.

Quite honestly, one World Champion in the family is enough. I cannot think how large the smile on that woman's face would be if Ralf were to win the crown. And I have no doubt she would say "yes, and Ralfy won it without team orders," accompanied by a knowledgeable smile.
Willi works for me first. I borrowed him to Ralf and that is the order of things. And I will quietly be pointing this situation out to him when the time becomes right.

Great news also this week to be receiving Ross Brawn back at Maranello after his painful back. He reminded me, that with the Ferrari Christmas party not too long away now, that he was looking forward to my speech and how he had asked the test team to get some data logging equipment together to ensure that it was at least 70% funnier than last year.

He is so forever pulling on my legs that I was not too sure if it was his British sense of humour or reality. That big teddy bear smile of his is often concealing all sorts of emotions. I never know which way to take him.

He once is telling me he is going to Scotland and that he had reserved a stretch of river for a week in which he was attempting to fish for flies.
Given a choice of holiday between that and FKK, perhaps I would be better off with Nigel Mansell.

Hello my tifosis! You have not heard from me for some while and I can easily understand that you are thinking maybe Schumi is far away on a deserted island drinking cocktails and rubbing himself in the sun, but honestly, nothing could be further from the truth. I have been in Switzerland organizing our new Schumacher family estate.

With the new land at our disposable, we are able to plan many new and exciting features. The architect is very helpful and is trying to basket all our ideas together into one plan. We have told him we would like a stable block, a garage for 10 cars, a home cinema, a state of the artists gym, a trophy block, a helicopter pad, many fountains, also a go-kart track that is adaptable to at least seven grand prix circuits (for when Ralfie pays a visit) and a miniature fairy story castle at one end of the garden. I have asked him to combine it all in a low-key rural style that will not have the Swiss Green Party shouting that I am some newly rich F1 star who wants to show off.

I am having very many big laughs at my brother’s expenses recently. Ralf has picked up another speeding ticket from the Austrian polizei and his licence is in danger of being taken into custody. I nearly laughed when I heard. I sent him an e.mail saying that at last he has made the headlines this year for going fast!

 I expected some rudeness of reply, but there came nothing. So then I am digging a little bit further. I e.mailed him, ‘Why don’t you get Willi to accuse the Austrian police of favouring Juan-Pablo Montoya, because he hasn’t got a ticket’. No response is coming for that either.
I suspect Cora is editing them.

Many people have been enjoying my new TV appearances for Vodafone. As a result of my increasing comedy awareness this has made it possible to stand back and enjoy laughter at our own position. One of the adverts – my idea – is that Luca Badoer and I have a race in the paddock on our mini go-ped 20cc scooter machines. We are travelling towards the finishing line and it is so close that one of the Ferrari mechanics has to take our photo with a Vodafone camera phone to see who is crossing the line first. And it is Luca!

This is pushing fun at our US Grand Prix finish and showing to the world that Marlboro Scuderia Ferrari can have funny moments also. For the record, I won the three real races we had before filming started. And people are telling to me that I am a much better actor than David Beckham.

And talking of important, funny moments, my big test is coming up soon at the Ferrari Christmas party. I was hoping that my speech to everybody would be the high point of the evening but I cannot blame Jean Todt for stealing the thunder and lightning and coming on last of all.
Last year he is dressing up as Edith Piaf to sing, ‘Non, Je Ne Regrete Rien’ in a long black dress with a split up the side. He is what they call on Broadway – a real show halter.
This year I have heard he has bought a big, black wig and will be dressing up as Cher to sing, ‘If I Could Turn Back Time’. I do not dare think what kind of costume he is planning

Paolo says he only does it as an excuse to shave his legs every December, but that would not explain why this is also the case in June. Perhaps he rehearses a lot.

I love you tifosis! It is very much and quite honestly appreciated deeply, that quite honestly I love you, sincerely and obviously, this is true. I have to confess to you, my lovely lovely tifosis, that I have been drinking a little bit.

This is one hour after the Ferrari Christmas party and I am not able to write in a straight way and so I am speaking this to a tape machine which I will give to Sabine unless the tape gets stucked, which honestly I hope it doesn’t.

So I am dictating this into a thing I have known for so long that journalists are always carrying round with them everywhere they are going. Yes, a bottle of beer. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
You see when I am not trying so hard to be funny the comedy is just flowing out of me.

Sabine – this is Michael, obviously - I want you to type this straight out exactly and send it to the website.

I am a great dictator.  I can talk for hours if I need to be talking for hours. Rod Dennis paid me the very nice compliment by saying that I am articulated and in fact one of the most articulated drivers in F1. Which is a nice thing to be in not your mother language. Even if he was only comparing me to, I-am-a-robot Raikkonen, a person with as much carisma as a cat flap.

Sabine – did I say Rod? Of course this is Ron Dennis, don’t be taking me too seriously on names that you know are not 100%.

I had two small beers before the speeches at the party, which is my maximum limit. But I am getting very nervous in my build-up and so I had one more, virtually a month’s alcohol intake in just three hours.

Knowing that Jean Todt was waiting in the wings with a Cher costume from 1986 – complete with seeing-through latex and two thousand glittery, small, sew-on things, made me very nervous. Paolo said it made him nervous too and he didn’t even have to make a speech. (That shows you the team spirit at Ferrari, we really feel each other at big moments).

Finally the time came for me to give my speech and I knew Ross would be judging it to see if it was 70% funnier than last year, which honestly and quite obviously I knew it could be.  I decided to start with a joke that had made me laugh like some drainage.
I stood up in front of everybody underneath the bright lights of concentration.
”Why do grand prix drivers have bigger balls?” I asked.

Unfortunately by this stage I was not remembering the exact answer to this. Of course too late now I recall that it is because they sell more tickets. But standing up there with so much expectingness focused upon me, my mind went completely silent.
“Because there are a lot more people at them,” is what I finally said.

The roar of laughter that I was hoping would greet me did not arrive. Instead of using my predicted speech I tried to get the audience going with my second funniest joke. This was also one which is making me laugh very much. Only now I am slightly tense and my mouth is dry, like sand on a barbecue.

“A naked man enters a fancy dress party on all fours. On his back he has a naked woman. The owner of the party comes up to him and asks him what he is coming as.”
The naked man is answering – “a tortoise”.
“So,” replies the host, “then who is this girl on your back?”
And then I should have said, “that’s Michelle”.
But for a fatal fraction of a second I paused.
And then for some reason I said, “that’s Miguel”

Again silence. Dreadful, painful silence, when I realised I was indeed the Alex Yoong of comedy.

Jean came on afterwards and demolished the house with his medley of Cher numbers. Everyone was impressed with how easy he finds walking in high heels and where ‘everything’ gets located inside his costume.

I could do nothing but sink my sorrows in more alcohol and after my fourth lager half-glass this is the sorry drunken state you have found me in.

So next year I have two challenges To win another world title and to become just 50% funnier. Have a happy, lovely New Year tifosis. Now, where is the toilet...

Happy New Year tifosis. Firstly let me say an apology for my last submission that is coming to you in not the exact words I would probably have chosen if I had been completely straight.

I think you have possibly recognized that it was the too much lager talking to you. Ralf once said about me, “Er ist schon nach zwei Halben betrunken”*. I said no, but now I think maybe yes.*

I am having a nice New Year festival with Jos Verstappen and his family on Norway. I feel relaxed with Jos ever since we enjoyed a good partnership together at Benetton in 1994. I made the headlines for becoming the World Champion and he made the headlines for going up in flames at Hockenheim.
I don’t mention this to him because perhaps it is somewhere in his mind, but I notice that when we have parties in the summer he is never standing too close to the barbecue.

If I take a moment to think, it is strange how our careers have walked up different paths since that time together. I am now the most successful F1 driver of all time, and he is just starting at Minardi. And yes it makes me feel very humble to have been favoured by the almighty in this way. Though I never call Jean that to his face. ( A little humour, in case you were wondering)

I confess to you I am getting pretty much fed up with everyone saying that I have won the 2003 championship already and that Ferrari are the winners of the constructors’ title. I am really not wishing to think like this until everything is safely in my pocket. Many things could happen. Williams will have a stronger chassis, McLaren will have a stronger engine, Michelin will have better tyres, Kimi will be more experienced (or perhaps they will have programmed him better). These are sure-things guaranteed.

And that’s not counting for some rarer occurrences, I might have reliability problems, Renault and Honda might have found more speed, even Rubens might win races. Never count your ducklings before the fox has visited the pond, is my answer to those people who are giving me the title wrapped up in a box.

I have been presented with a lot of nice awards from sporting people. The French newspaper L’Equipe voted me their Champion of Champions for two years running. But I have to report a very strange achievement .
The German Society for the Preservation of the Very Long Sentence awarded me their Companion Of Honour for my work at FIA press conferences in 2002. They say they particularly liked this one.

“I have been interested in running a rally car in the past but I have to say that I am less interested now because I’m not so much into it any more, so maybe one day when I have time enough I would like to do it in a safe place because I’m not interested in going through the forest and risking my life.”

Sometimes I cannot believe these people.

I am looking forward very much to our Marlboro skiing weekend in the Dolomites, but until then here are a few New Year Resolutions that I have assembled together.

My New Year resolutions.
No attempted dead heats – for, I think, obvious reasons
No jumping on Ross Brawn, even when he is expecting it. He has warned me that his back cannot stand much more of my celebrations.
No tucking my T-shirt into my trousers. My new friend Juan-Pablo has said it’s not cool. “You look like a f****** dork, man,” is how he described it, without beating his bush.
No drinking large quantities of lager before important speeches (see Tagebuch 15)
No team orders (ha ha ha ha)
No bad words between myself and Ralf’s wife (for Christmas she bought me a Tyrolean hat and some lederhosen, “so you can blend into the crowd at the Austrian Grand Prix” she smiled – crow)
To become 50% funnier. Obviously.

* he gets drunk on two pints

17: Das Secret Tagebuch Michael Schumachers: Part Siebzehn

It's a bittersweet return to F1 for Michael Schumacher as the World Champion experiences the joys of testing and the sadness of losing Eddie Irvine

Hello tifosis. We are testing again and as you can guess I am as happy as a child who likes school and is going back to school for his first and most favourite lesson of the week many times repeated.

Even if my first lap out of the pits is ending up backwards in the barriers, this is fun. Yes believe me, this is quite correct.
People say I am not with a sense of humour but honestly in my helmet I am laughing at this stupid mistake. (If Ross had heard me in the radio doing so, it would not have been good, but luckily I am already disconnected leaving the car)

I love testing because it gives me chances to change things and go adjusting others. It so much also reminds me of my childhood at the kart track in Kerpen where I would spend so many happy hours alone working with the kart.

Some people with psyschiatrist feelings are saying that there is something deep in this and perhaps too much time alone with just machinery for friends has put my development under arrest, but that is probably only because they are paid to say something and this is the most interesting thing they can come up with.

That kart is in the Schumacher museum now, so it is simply not true that I have to polish it every day. The idea of sending it a card on its birthday was just a little joke and nothing should be read from it.

Many people are asking me now my reactions to the changes that have been introduced by Max Mosley. I honestly think he is making some good choices about the future of our sport.

In between watching WWF Celebrity Smackdown and Mensch Und Motors I switched accidentally onto a history programme one night. It showed that his father was Sir Oswald Mosley a man who wanted to become a facist dictator

Luckily for all of us in F1 Max is so different from his father.

I feel sad for our electronics engineers who have worked so hard on the traction control at Maranello but I am supposed that it is the same for everyone, so that is fair. It is very tough on Peter Sauber who has just spent $2 million on a two-way telemetry project. Now he has to go and throw it into the dustbin.
No wonder he smokes so much.

Through the winter holidays I am clearing my head and not reading so much of the motorsport magazines. Also, Sabine is careful what she gives me and in some way is protecting my sight of stupid annoyances. But I was in the middle of a photo signing session at the factory, when both pens she had equipped to me are draining out of ink.*

*Incidentally, here is a disclosure. I may be a five times world champions but I still think jealously of Sato, Massa and Panis
Why? Because they have such short names. They should try the cramped hands that a ‘Schumacher’ gives them!

 I walked into her office to search for some of the new pens. In the corner there was a big pile of magazines. On top of it was a handwritten note in Italian. ‘Villeneuve cr*p, don’t show to Michael’.

As you can estimate, I am sitting straight down and reading them all. Except the ones in French and Spanish obviously. But all of the ones have interviews with Villeneuve in which he is dragging up the past, Jerez, critically speaking of me and Ferrari and the HANS system, which he knows I am approval of.

It is silently making me very angry. He is also trying to wage war with his new team-mate, Jenson Button and distinctly I know the reason for this.

Jenson is a great guy. When he came into F1 he admitted to press conferences that he was a big fan of mine and it was touching me that he had a poster of me on his bedroom wall when he was younger.
He did not have a poster of Jacques.
Unless you count one of Snow White and The Seven Dwarves, where Jacques is Grumpy dwarf.

For so long I am fed up with this constant anti-Schumi attitude. Other drivers, with perhaps the exception of Damon Hill, I can get along with. I had harsh words with Juan-Pablo and we made it right between us. If I allow myself some credit, I think I am good at repairing relations.
But with Villeneuve there is no arguing. I am the devil and in his eyes this cannot be changed.

I was very saddened to hear Eddie Irvine won’t be racing in F1 any more. With him I am having great fun over the years. Our Ferrari time together was the best. I can remember him making me laugh so many times to the point I was often rolling on the floor with tears flooding out of my eyes. I have had some impressive No.2s in my time. Rubens I get along with, Joss is a good friend and Martin Brundle also, but Eddie was the best No.2. you could ever wish to have sitting in the other car.

Finally some German humour (as part of my project for 2003).

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Tequila.
It is the way I am telling them.

Hello to my sincerely adoring tifosis!

Well, you have seen the pictures and know how we feel about our beautiful new car. It is just the most beautiful picture. I told Rory that it would be a shame to race it, we should be putting a frame around it and placing it on the wall of an important art gallery.

In fact the launch was slightly too much as Rubens and I competed for Girl Guide points with Rory as to who could deliver the best compliment.
I said, “I think we have made a wonderful car and I hope that it will be fast. I'm in love with the car, the team and the fans."
And then Rubens is going way beyond the top saying, "It is so beautiful and gorgeous…”

I told Rory it was beautiful first and now Rubens is already trying to compete me in saying how fantastic the car is, beyond the description I am already giving to it.

It is almost causing me problems with Corinna too and tying me up in complicated knots, because I said, “If it was a woman, it would be Claudia Schiffer.”
And my lieblings doughnut asked me, ‘Why wouldn’t it be me…?’
To which I am having to say very quickly, “Oh, they have not yet designed a car beautiful enough to be compared to you.”
(All those years working with Eddie Irvine have definitely helped!)
I think I got away with my slip-up because later on we had Tuesday Night Vroom Vroom (always the second Tuesday of each calendar month, it is the most efficient system).

At the launch it was time to meet up with Felipe Massa again. I have to admit to you, though Jean is a very great friend and we are closer than two buttocks in tight lederhosen, it is not a decision I am throwing my arms open for.

I do not like the way the team has used its elbow on Luciano Burti. We all thought ‘Boy Blunder’, as I have nicknamed him, was going off to drive for Jordan. But now he is turning up in Ferrari overalls, looking pleased with himself, like a fence-crasher who did not think he would be allowed into the party. I saw Luciano in January and he was relieved to be having another season with the Scuderia and now he is gone.
Massa is just like the boy at school you wanted to kick during break time. When you are talking to him he looks sideways as though he has better thing to do.

Part of the whole process of the launching day is giving interviews to journalists and they are all fighting like frogs trying to get on the lily pad for their Schumi exclusives. Sabine, Stefania and Luca have a tough time on this day manipulating the egos of the frogs who all want to jump over each other to be top frog in the line of frogs in the pond.
I am having a big joke on their expenses, though, by saying exactly the same answers to all of them.

One answer I am making is that I was sorry to see the end of driver aids which I think is a mistake on safety issues. This, I can see, is a surprise to them, coming from ‘Der Schumster’, ‘Der Regenmeister’, but it is only for my protection that I am administering these remarks. Yes, I am a master in the rain, of course. This is well known. It’s all the other drivers hitting me I am worried about.

Afterwards Nigel Stepney, in a joking face, said to me ‘you have a great big Jessie’. How does he know?

Sometimes the English sense of humour from Nigel and Ross is going straight past my ears. They are on a different frequency wavelength.
Ross told me that the FIA are going to install a spy in the cockpit.
I replied back immediately with:
“But there will be no room for him,” which I thought was a very funny remark. Ralf and Heinz-Harald would definitely have laughed.
Ross did not smile. He looked at me with a serious, deep pan face.
“It’s a her,” he said quietly.

If only comedy was as easy as driving in the rain.

Hello to my truly expectant tifosis.

So, it is not long now till we are starting a new season of great Formula 1 action, and I, for one, am exciting.

But we must also remember there are very serious things going on elsewhere. All this talk of war. I know people are saying that we should get rid of this dictator once and for all and that many people want a regime change. But I ask you, who else is going to be president of the FIA?

Max may be banning us from the team orders and hiding my spare car, but he is also thinking up some good things too.

As for the team orders, let us just say (here I am winking, you cannot see me, but I am) “we have worked something out.”

I am reading this fact on a boring plane journey once, please do not think it is the kind of thing I am enrolling to study at night school.
If a group of terrorists leave a bomb somewhere in an airport, the announcement over the public loudspeaker is something like: “Will Herr Stoltenberg please come to information to collect his daughter Mitzi.”

Obviously if someone is saying, “There is a large bomb. Get out! Get out!” much panicking will be caused.

We plan to use this method of code messages through our radio system which will now be listened to by the FIA and television publics around the world.

If Jean asks Rubens to, “check the brake balance bias”, that is the code for, “Schumi is closing fast, make a deliberate error and let him past.”

If Jean tells Rubens to, “cut back the engine revs” this is his cue to press a special button on his steering wheel. This will the start a trail of oil onto the exhaust making it appear as if his car is about to fail. He will limp to the finish, I will overtake him and everyone will say what a hero he was to nurse his diminishing car over the closing stages.

At a team meeting Rubens asked if the same messages applied to Michael. Jean and I both laughed.

I was reading a very funny news story also where Jackie Stewart said that he thought Rubens could be World Champion this year. I also remember he once is saying that Jan Magnusson is the next Ayrton Senna. Perhaps he is also thinking that Minardi are the dark horses for 2003 and that Eddie Jordan is going to win haircut of the year.

I am honestly appreciated that so many people are predicting me as the 2003 winner already, but as they say in America, the show isn’t over till the fat lady signs (which I have never understood – what does she sign?). Until it is in my pocket I do not like to consider the record of Juan Manuel Fangio. I am not interested in record books, the joy of racing is to win and the rush of surging emotion and joy that is coming all over me is enough of a motivation to continue for Scuderia Marlboro Ferrari and to share with my geat hill of tifosis.

But almost certainly I will beat Fangio’s record.

As everyone is making the predictions for 2003 here are some of mine.
World Champion: Me
Most wins: Me again
Most Pole Positions: Me also
Most fastest laps: Me, of course
Most podiums: Me, as well
Most finishes: That will be me
Most adoring fans: Quite clearly, me
Runner-up: Rubens
Most interesting press conference: Raikkonen, Alonso and Wilson all together. It will be so quiet it will be like a library.
Shock of the Year: I will not finish on the podium for one race. Possibly Canada.

Hello, most probably disappointed tifosis.

You might be thinking I am a little down in my mouth for not scoring an opening race win in Australia, but that would be not true or correct, either. Obviously we should have been in a position to earn the maximum points for our first outing, but it is not all disasters and head shaking at Scuderia Marlboro Ferrari.

First of all the biggest disaster for me would have been a win for Rubens and zero points in my bag, so that terrible scenario is not happened for a start.

If you would take an extreme view you could blame Bridgestone for our result. “Why?” I hear you question me.
As I have said many times, we have so much faith in our Japanese Bridgestone intermediates we had no need to start our race on the grooved slicks. It is only because the French rubbers are so unreliable that Juan and the others switched so early.

You may not think it was such a record-breaking weekend for me, but again you would be wrong. I have achieved another potentially award-winning long sentence that already must be the front-runner, in the Sentence of the Year competition for 2003* (see Tagebuch 16). This was in our Saturday press conference.

“I guess it is far more difficult for the team because to adapt to the timeframe we have to work currently when things are very tight and as you can see, we finished the warm-up at 2.45, and at three o'clock everything has to be ready for the race and then it is very tricky and there are certain things and I guess some adaptation will be necessary for the future, but in general I shouldn't complain.”

Yes, a whole 13 words in excess of my showboater of 2002, clearly a good starter in anybody’s book.

I am having a good laugh at many events we are staging with sponsors and publicity throughout our time in Australia. One of them was a Vodafone pasta cooking demonstration in which we prepared Vodafone/Schumacher Linguine aglio e olio.

"My love of racing is well known but not everybody knows how passionate I am about Italian cuisine. It was fantastic to be able to combine both of my passions today!"

…is the kind of thing I am saying in a very official way. Somehow Lieblings doughnut got to see this in a German newspaper and told me I had missed one passion out. Yes, of couse she is right, Tuesday night vroom vroom!

She is enjoying telling the world what a beautiful relationship we have together in the latest Schumi book. Here is a very special moment in the book for me:

‘We still can talk for long hours. At free weekends we often sit together into the bath-tub and talk about our days, what has happened to both of us.
The most wonderful thing about Michael is that everything is so harmonic. Everything is so wonderful with him. We always touch each other, we do it automatically. We simply need to do it. We have transmitted it totally to our children as well. For example when we have our meals, we all sit very close to each other. Sometimes I have to laugh because we are so close to each other that we hardly can eat. And we have a big table.’

Kind of beautiful without going too far, don’t you think?

I was having a big laugh after the race about my old spitting partner Jacques Villeneuve who is unable to hear his radio now. Strange that Jenson Button has the BAR radio which works and Jacques always has the radio that doesn't
Too much listening to grunge metal heavy rock guitar albums is making him more deaf than a Scorpions guitarist.
I asked Sabine to look out a hearing aid and I will send it to him, before the race in Malaysia, with a small note.
‘Here you are, Grandad, if you need help crossing the road any time, let my staff know.’

I am most amusing about the thought of this and his face on reacting as such. Perhaps I should give him the gift in the Drivers' Briefing? That would be very funny indeed.

*The German Society for the Preservation of the Very Long Sentence awarded me their Companion Of Honour for my work at FIA press conferences in 2002

Greets to you my very patient yet still ultimately faithful tifosis!

I can tell this to you straight away without fear of someone saying to me that I am not correct in stating this, that so far, this season has been a strange one.

Two races and not a single sign of a Schumi podium position. All the drivers from the top two teams have been visiting this place but not the Schumacher brothers. It is strangely bizarre don’t you think?

Just to let us know that she was still following my progress Frau Blucher our old cleaning lady from Vufflens Le Chateau - who made such a great fuss about cleaning so many of my trophies - sent us a card after the Malaysian race.

The old bat retired before Christmas and so we do not have to put up with her whining about cleaning them up any more. She said to Lieblings Doughnut that if I keep this up she might even be tempted out of retirement. A thin joke of no humour.

We will not have her back of course, it would not be fair on Mika for a start. He is due out of hibernation very soon now the warm weather has arrived. If it was left to Frau Blucher she would be hibernating a large stone and Mika would be still down the garden having frozened to death over winter.

And I guess some more reasons for the bad atmosphere is the treatment my brother has with his wife and the German media. Occasionally I am browsing for fun through the Planet-F1 chat forum and I am reading opinions there that fans believe Cora looks like a ‘porn star’. I certainly would not put myself on the record of saying that they are absolutely totally 100% right.

I know I am biased towards little Ralfy, but this is none of his doing and I feel utterly helpless that I cannot help him more. Now, if I tried to help him in a race, and I happened to let him past, the Italian media would be saying something ridiculous like I am betraying the Scuderia or spitting on the grave of Enzo Ferrari

Already they are saying that it is a disgrace not to finish on the podium in two races. This must be a newspaper run by goldfish with two small memories.

I will achieve a result in Brazil and put a silence to all this nonsense. And talking of nonsense my team-mate, who is a great big giant-sized wuss, will have to wear the HANS collar in Sao Paulo. If you ask my opinion…
“Michael, should he have been allowed to take the starting grid in Malaysia?”
then I will answer that “no, he shouldn’t”. I have always been one to strictly observe the rules and Mr.Mosley could not have been clearer in his desire for everyone to wear it at all times. Now, we stand level in the championship... a very strange start to the championship.

But this is not all our strangeness done with – now I have to contend with Jarno Trulli in front of me starting F1 races. After the race in Sepang I made sure to make all the correct apologies to the parties concerned.

But secretly secretly deep down inside of me I am furious with him. Take a listen to his press conference after the race and you will hear him mention that his car spluttered two times on the way to the first corner. In the second turn he lifted again and I had nowhere else possible to go. Yes, it looked bad on TV, but only because he should have been many metres further beyond his braking point.

Jenson told me that last year he was a bundle of kittens on the opening laps and that it was quite simple to drive past him even after qualifying two or three places back (which Jenson tells me he’s good at).

We shall soon see how it all fans out in Brazil. One piece of good news on my horizon is that we will be able to keep our driver aids all year. I heard a rumour that Mr.Mosley decided to ban them without having any idea how it could be done – so instead of admitting that there was no technical solution he decided to blame Ron and Frank instead.

Apparently he was also going to blame arbitration for the reason he didn’t turn up at the races in Australia and Malaysia as well, but he couldn’t find the appropriate link.

When I speak to you next time my faithfully tifosis, I will have a trophy for you (and me also).

Greetings to you sincerely worshiping and still much expectant tifosis.

Yes, I know the first question you are going to ask to me and the answer is a big NO. Quite honestly I do not understand all these allegations. He does not have a bushy moustache, own a leather cap or possess a Pet Shop Boys CD. So this rumour is quite obviously a lie.

He is very happily married and all this talk behind people’s hands is most hurtful to Jean. Yes, it is true, he does like to dress up in women’s clothes more than other team bosses, (I believe Patrick doesn’t do it at all) but that is just his French nature. He is full of the cabaret.

We have had many discussion about the result of the Brazilian GP this week and honestly, I tell you, I am not surprised there is confusion, it is only the human nature. When you have a big accident you all rush to look at it. Am I right or am I totally right?

So when Fernando – I-am-so-stupid-I-make-Jaques-Villeneuve-look-like-a-professor-of-nuclear-physics – Alonso hits the accidental wreckage at full speed, everybody looks to see the crash, no-one is thinking ‘this is a good time to check whether Giancarlo Fisichella has crossed the line or not’.

Alonso reminds me of a Disney character, from one of my children’s videos we are all sitting down as a family and watching together. He has a big dopey smile like Balou the bear in The Jungle Book, but as my friend Ross has commented, he seems friendly, but there is nothing up the stairs. How can you come across two times waved yellows and not slow down at all.

I have read that Giancarlo and Robo-Kimi are going to be exchanging the trophies at a special ceremony before the San Marino Grand Prix. I know what this will lead to. Every year I have it reminded to me. Damon Hill will write in an article somewhere that he has still not got the trophy he won for the 1994 Belgian Grand Prix.

I won the race but afterwards they discovered that my plank was too much worn down by over-the-kerb moves and I was disqualified. I have said many times and I will go on saying it – if he is prepared to pay for the postage he can have it back any time he likes. But he should know that bubble wrapping is not cheap and that the Swiss postal service charge two arms and three legs for bulky items.

My biggest problem is not to do with races in the past, though. It is quite clearly to do with races in the future with our new Ferrari F2003-GA. It is like the situation you are waiting to get hold of your new, latest puppy. You are sad to see the old dog go because it has given you great service, but you realise that now its time is past and you must move on.
Except our new puppy is not house-trained and we are having to leave it at the vets and get the old dog out one more time.

(I think that works as a good example for you to understand)

Clearly we are experiencing problems with our season so far and after Brazil we had a meeting between Ross, Jean, Paulo, Rubens and me to find out how many black cats we had run over or mirrors we have dropped between us since October. We are all scratching our bottoms to find the right answer

Lieblings dimple buttocks thinks she knows the answer. I have lost my lucky charm. The one big difference between this season and last season is that we no longer have that moany old Swiss fossil Frau Blucher pretending to clean things at Schumacher Towers. She is the one, you will remember, who complained that I was bringing home too many trophies.

Now, after she has retired, I have brought home nothing.

Quite honestly I think it is a stupid idea to employ the old bone bag again, but how can I say no to Corinna . I know very well that when she gets her teeth round something she does not like to let go. It can be painful to stop her.

It is the greatest possible motivation I can have to win the San Marino Grand Prix before she does anything too speedy. Wish me luck!

To be continued....